Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
