We're like a lot better than the average bears
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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