apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
