She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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