anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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