dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
