if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
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he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
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Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
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