No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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