I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
