Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
