please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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