I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
