My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
