beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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