You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
