Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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