my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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