There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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