and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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