thus making me awesome and them whores
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
