I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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