My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
