Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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