I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
A+ Viking dick
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