If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
