I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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