cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
