So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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