I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
