and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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