Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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