All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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