If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
