just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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