She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
