Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
