Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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