How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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