Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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