and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My cat gives me a boner
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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