omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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