I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
