i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Randomize
