some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
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Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
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What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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