Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
