Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Randomize
