This dress was meant to end up on your floor
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
