my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize