Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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