Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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