I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
