When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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