i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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