How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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